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I'm drowning in a sea of self-doubt..
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Recovery's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, August 28th, 2007
9:53 am
[chyennelovesyou]
So I'm new....

So I'm new and I thought I'd introduce myself. Here are my stats:

height: 5'5
current weight: 101
lowest weight: 87
highest weight: 156
what kind of ED do you have? ana

If anyone wants someone to talk to I'm here for you.

My email's XxXLost_DreamerXxX@yahoo.com



Current Mood: apathetic
Friday, January 19th, 2007
1:17 am
[renlovesyou]
So, I'm new here...
I'm Ren.

I used to be ana, but I started just trying to get back to 'normal' about six months ago.  I still don't know whether I regret that or not.  I was really screwed up then, and I was pretty close to losing it (my mind, not weight; I think I lost all the weight I could).  But, I recovered a little too much, if it's possible to think of it that way.  I feel disgusting.  I know I look okay, but mentally, I expect to see a size-four body when I look down, and I don't see that.  I miss it a lot.

I'm glad to have my sanity, though.

I guess I'm just here because, well, we all need support.  Nobody IRL knows about my being ana.  My mom thought I was for a bit, but I started eating more at home and less during the day and she got off my back.  I'm glad I don't have to lie to her anymore.

My friends crack jokes about anorexic people all the time, and it pisses me off, but I can't say anything.  Most of them didn't even know about the cutting until I stopped that, too.  I stopped everything (cutting, ED, some other things I don't feel comfortable posting) last spring, and did it all on my own because I didn't want anybody to know.

 I even quit LJ so I wouldn't have access to the Ana communities, and stayed off of any sites with pro-ana members that I knew.  The downside is, since I did it all alone, I can't go to any of my friends or my parents when I need to vent.  Or, if I do, they go into shocked panic mode and freak out on me.  Even my best friend doesn't know some of the 'darker' things about me.

I don't know what to do in real life.  I can't talk to anybody about this sort of stuff.  Online communities were great before, so I'm just thinking it'll all work itself out if I just have a few people I can talk to, if only online.

Well - We all have personalities outside of this.  I like to write (no shit xD), I'm a pretty quiet person, and I love my friends no matter how dumb they are sometimes.  I'm in my school's psychology club, book club, and I'm still in Girl Scouts even though I'm a sophomore in high school.  I used to love sports, but right now I'm phobic of even running.  Hopefully, that'll change since I've had knee surgery to fix it.  I'm really into art and psychology.  I always say I want to be a psychologist.  I went to the School of the Arts in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, for their summer program and I hope I can go back sometime soon.  It's kind of dorky but I don't want to be a psychologist as much as I want to be a middle school teacher.  I had a lot of crap teachers, but the good teachers made a huge impact on my life and I want to do that.
Friday, July 21st, 2006
12:20 am
[durolaurena]
to my beautiful people
Hello, My name Is Lauren and I'm a survivor. FOr the past four years I have struggled with binging, purging, and fasting for weeks on end. It went as bad to the point where i went bald and down to 80 pounds. MY parents put me in a recovery center where I found the strength to stand up to myself once and for all. I know what it is like to like on half a tub of cottage cheese every day, and I am ehre to say it sucks. and is NOT WORTH IT. Please answer some of these for me and for yourself
1. Fast or binge
2. ideal weight
3. bad heart or rotten teeth
4. dead brain or dead body
5. bald head or fat-free body
6. endorphins or a binge high
7. accepting youself, or needing others to accept you

It's been two years since ive done anything associated with ed's, and I hope I am done with it altogether. I am Vegan because it is still very ahrd for me to deal with food, but Im here to say that there is hope and you can redeem your body and still love it.
Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
9:53 pm
[gripkid]
Quick question
Well i wanted to ask this in a community dedicated to helping girls instead of the many dedicated to helping girls become more addicted to ana. I'm just trying to get a better understanding of this dieses for a friend of mine....

I wanted to ask why did you guys feel the need to lose weight? i mean did you just look in the mirror and say i'm fat or did it come from other sources? and if so what other sources did it come from ex. school, tv, fashion, music, movies? and i'm sorry but last question if it did come from the last four *tv,fash,mus,movies* can you get specific as to which movies or musicians started to make you feel different about yourself?
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
5:42 pm
[p_seudonym]
just me...
so, my name's teffer (nickname for stephanie) and I'm fifteen. I first met ana about four years ago, around the time my body started changing. it's been a love/hate relationship ever since; I never lost more than fifteen pounds at a time, but she had mentally. my every waking moment was ruled by her. I was obsessed with everything that went into my mouth; I felt nauseated, greasy, and fat every time I ate. I don't know exactly when I started eating again; there was no big turning point, I just gradually started once I realized that I was messing up my body. now I'm pretty much past it, but I still have weeks when I have to skip meals to avoid falling apart, and days when I feel disgusting if I eat too much/ the wrong kind of food. I'm trying to get to the point where I never think about her, but I'm far from it.

and now some pictures...Collapse )

hello, all!
Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
12:38 am
[purfection_69]
FINALLY NO MORE SCRWING AROUND:
This is it. I am seriou now to get back 2 45kg. I will only eat a cup of soup each day on wedthur, friday and then will plan the next few days . i ave decided to take this bit by bit because wen i plan 2 far ahead i screw up.i dont want bf getting suspicious. I bought red bull 2day so ican stay awake in class wen sugar levels drop.I would love 2 get back o 97lbs and i know ican, I am currently 1o9. how long do u think this should take. I tinkk i can do it pretty fast. B4n pls add me and wish me luck.
Monday, May 29th, 2006
3:26 pm
[belindashort]
I have a problem
I've been recovered from my ED for about 7 years now. I've done very well. I've even gained some weight but maintained my health pretty well and dealt with that- no problems.

My problem has always been that due to my blood disorder I haven't been able to exercise much, so I always tried unhealthy ways to lose weight or keep my figure.

Well, due to my blood disorder, I'm starting to have trouble with my hips. I saw a doctor about it and the first thing that he told me to do was lose some weight. He said that if I lose weight that I will keep my hips longer and I won't have to get them replaced as soon. I've been worried that I'll fall back into old habits. I've already lost about 5 lbs, and not really the healthy way, but I can't really exercise and now any extra stress I put on my hips is extremely painful. I think I can swim, I just need someone to come with me and I've got severe panic disorders. This isn't really something I can talk to my S.O. about either.

I guess this is just me letting it out
Tuesday, June 13th, 2006
5:49 pm
[amorpaz]
hello.
i'm amanda. i'm sixteen years old, and i have stopped denying the fact that i do have an eating disorder. but now it's too late and i'm in the biggest trouble of my life: if i don't get back on track with a regular diet in six days, i am being shipped off to a hospital some fourty minutes away from my home. i need support, really badly. i want to hear from everyone how they managed to hide it and get their parents off their back. possibly hear from a survivor? i'm 5'5 at 133 pounds. the most i weighed was 180, and i vow never to go back there again. 133 is a good weight for me, but i just want to lose another 3 pounds. 

please, someone help me. i need advice.
Saturday, June 25th, 2005
8:45 am
[spifffo]
Hi guys,

My name is Emily, and while I personally do not have an eating disorder, I know someone who does. But she's only someone I know over the internet from another blog site, and I really just met her a few months ago. So I feel totally helpless, because its not like she knows me well enough to really care or listen to anything I say, and I really don't want to do anything to alienate her too quickly.

She is both anorexic and bulemic, though she says that she loves Ana more than Mia. And she really LOVES her ED. She'll write about how Ana, Mia, and Ed are the only real friends she has, or needs. I can't help but get really scared sometimes, when she'll say things like how good it feels to be able to hear her heart beating through her arm, or how much she wants to get rid of ALL of her muscle as well fat, so that she is literally just skin and bones.

I have no clue what I can do to help, but I really feel like I've got to at least try to do something. I've also seen some of her friends that she knows from real life lurking around her blog, and they also seem worried about her and care about her. So maybe I could get in touch with them, and tell them what they can do to help, once I find that out myself?

Any comments, suggestions, or opinions are greatly appreciated. Thanks.

will probably end up x-posted
Saturday, May 28th, 2005
7:50 am
[bananagrl]
Question everybody!
Would you rather...

a.) gain 10 pounds but be content with yourself
b.) lose 10 pounds and feel self conscious and worthless

please comment<3

Current Mood: discontent
Saturday, February 26th, 2005
6:29 pm
[kissess227]
im new
hey everyone. Im anne-marie 16 years old 5'3" 135lbs and have been fighting my ed since december 1st when i was admitted in to an inpatient facility for my ED. after 2 weeks and 15 lbs i was released and am now struggling to stay out of haveing to go bak in. The ana.mia thoughts are still so strong and i kno they will kill me . someone help!

sincerely
AM<33

ps any good healthy recipes would also be awesome(im a picky eater)
Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
7:45 pm
[oh_itz_you]
i'm new :D
hey everyone...i'm new here...my name is rachel, i'm 16 turning 17...i have struggled with ana/mia for about a year and a half, and i decided i'm sick of it...i was sick of losing my friends and having everyone tell me i had a problem and all the things associated with it. i thought i had convinced myself that it was wrong, but now i'm not so sure. my best friend kinda introduced me to it, and we were so close for a while, sharing our stories, being each others' "thinspiration", but recently our friendship ended because i tried to take a break from it all and things went bad... i'm starting to eat less and less...sometimes it's semi-deliberate...i mean i think "oh, you're hungry, rachel. don't eat. it'll make you fatter..." but, sometimes i just don't eat because i don't have any time...i'm starting to get even more stressed with school and i just need someone to talk to about everything...i also want to help anyone who needs someone to talk to, too...my e-mail is ounlop@hotmail.com, my aim is playetterachies, and my yahoo is ii_jolly_x_racher_ii
Thursday, December 2nd, 2004
6:08 pm
[planktonday]
Eating Disorders Research
All:
Hey everyone, Id like to introduce myself. My name is Lindsay and Im 22, a graduate from SUNY Fredonia. I will be going on to grad school in Fall 2005 and in the meantime I want to do some research. I will be going on to school for social work to study eating disorders. I am in the very early stages of putting together a lengthy survey that I plan to turn into a book (before I return to school).
This is where all of you come in. I would like to know if any of you would be interested in taking a survey such as this. It would be completely confidential (you would give only me personal info. for my record-keeping). This is going to be looked over by a lawyer before I send it out, so it will be very legit. The questions range from demographics (name, age, sex etc.)- personal data such as names would not be disclosed, to questions about your personal struggle, media influence, mental health background etc. I believe I am qualified to do research like this because I have struggled with an eating disorder for years, I feel like I have a non-judgemental outlook and the ability to ask questions that maybe haven't been asked before.
This is a rather non-personal email (sorry) that I intend to send to as many of these eating disorder based livejournal groups as possible. That is because I need help from all of YOU. If you are interested- email me
ED_Research@hotmail.com
Please keep in mind that I am in the beginning stages and although I want to move the processes along quickly, it may take time before I am able to send the finalized survey out. If you email me, I will try my best to respond in a timely fashion and answer any questions you may have.
Thank you so much, Lindsay
Sunday, August 15th, 2004
10:19 pm
[jesyka_maree_87]
hey im jess im in recovery atm need sumone to talk to im 6ft 2 and at my weight of 150lbs which is wat i had to be to leave hospital and afta 5 weeks thats my piccy in the box taken bout 3 weeks in2 being admitted there god i needed to get out i feel absolouly massive afta all the feeds they had me on but yeah if u wanna chat 2 me more feel free to email me turkazoidual@Hotmail.com im still new to livejournal so yeah btw im a aussie

Current Mood: i dont know mixed
Sunday, September 5th, 2004
12:26 pm
[imelbows]
Help.
I don't have a problem with weight or anything. I weigh about 135 and I'm 5'9. I'm very athletic and things so I'm not in here for support for myself. My sister is 21 and she has problems with weight. She used to be anorexic, then became bulimic. Now, she eats as little as possible and goes to the gym excessively. I'm worried about her and I think she's going to pass out and have something serious happen to her. With eating so little and then exercising so much it's unsafe. I'm also here because my best friend, who moved away told me she only allows herself to eat 300 calories a day. All she eats are apples and all she drinks is water. She allows herself 2 apples a day and then as much water as she wants. She doesn't think she has a problem. I've told her to tell her therapist but she won't because she doesn't think it's bad. Please help.
Friday, September 17th, 2004
6:02 pm
[seeminglyalone8]
Hello everyone,
I am a young male high school teacher, and I am just starting my third year teaching. However, I am struggling with how I should deal with a particular situation. I teach an elective with 7 students, all girls. I have had these students for over two years now, and know them very well.Anyways, there is one girl who has always seemed healthy and happy, and of a normal weight. However, as the weeks have passed I have seen her waste away to the point that she is now skin and bones. She just isn't the same person, and I am pretty sure she has an eating disorder. I don't know how to address this, if I should at all. I am male, and am not sure if it would be best for me to approach her about it, as I think it might be better coming from a woman. However, I know her pretty well and I am very concerned and want to help. Do you think I should talk to her myself, or tell the school psychologist, or maybe a female teacher? Or should I call home? I thought I would ask you guys, seeing as you would probably know how best to approach someone with an eating disorder, since you have experienced it yourselves. Thanks for the help.
Thursday, June 17th, 2004
6:21 pm
[hungryme]
:(
I just joined this community to share the sadness that I'm sure many people have.

I have a disease. It is a sad horrible disease, but I can not get rid of it. I was born with this awful disease.

Let me explain.

I can't GAIN WEIGHT. I am so depressed because all I do is eat and eat, and I LOVE eating, but I only weigh 110lbs and I just want to eat more. My metabolism is so high that I actually LOSE weight the more I try to put it on. Oh how depressing. Poor me. I can't get over it, I cry every night because I just want to eat and gain some weight because I am too thin. Everyone says I look good, and I've even been asked if I'm anorexic, yet I eat more than anyone I know, including my boyfriend who weighs around 300 lbs.

What can I do to gain weight? My life is falling apart because I am so hungry and everyone around me is coming down because of my disease. They all know about it and try to support me, but it just doesn't help.


Someone help me, my life is in danger, I probably eat a good 5-6000 calories every day yet I weigh nothing, I am smaller than almost ALL of my friends, and I'm GOING DOWN THE DRAIN!




*cries* help me gain weight. Support my illness. There isn't anything I can do about it, it's a disease. A DISEASE. I caught it from my cat. He eats a lot too.....



:(

Current Mood: distressed
Tuesday, June 15th, 2004
7:51 pm
[kungf0okittie]
Psst.
If you'd like to be a mod, it'd help if you'd join the community. ^_^;;;

-Mandy
Thursday, June 10th, 2004
5:02 pm
[kungf0okittie]
I think I may need help deleting the past entries. There's...a lot.

I'm going to need an extra mod or two anywho...

Any takers?

-Mandy
Sunday, June 6th, 2004
4:22 pm
[kungf0okittie]
But after much consideration, and the complete shock someone took this over to greatestjournal, I will be shutting anagurls down.

When I made this community, I was going through an extremly hard time in my life. I had just had my daughter, and I was in an abusive relationship. My self-esteem had hit an all time low, and I found sanctuary in this subculture (so to speak, if it could even be called such). At any rate, time has passed, and not only did I find the "ana-diet" to be a complete failure. I also saw people I had grown to care for go down a downward spiral that went out of control.

Incidentally, after walking daily, and cutting my intake back to two full meals a day, I've gone down to the size I was prior to my pregnancy. And while some of you may find a size eleven to be shocking, I'm finally comfortable in my skin. I finally can see that you don't need to be fitting into a size four to feel beautiful and if anything, it comes from the inside.

It was finally pounded into my head, when I was accepted to model for an alternative (adult) modeling website ealier this spring.

While some of you may be upset over this loss, I encourage you to work on yourself, not oly on the inside, but also on the out. In time, I may turn this communnity into something better, but for time time being anagurls is officially closed. Feel free to commemt, I would love to hear your feedback.

Yours Truly,

Mandy (The management)

Current Mood: content
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