Ren (renlovesyou) wrote in anagurls,

So, I'm new here...

I'm Ren.

I used to be ana, but I started just trying to get back to 'normal' about six months ago.  I still don't know whether I regret that or not.  I was really screwed up then, and I was pretty close to losing it (my mind, not weight; I think I lost all the weight I could).  But, I recovered a little too much, if it's possible to think of it that way.  I feel disgusting.  I know I look okay, but mentally, I expect to see a size-four body when I look down, and I don't see that.  I miss it a lot.

I'm glad to have my sanity, though.

I guess I'm just here because, well, we all need support.  Nobody IRL knows about my being ana.  My mom thought I was for a bit, but I started eating more at home and less during the day and she got off my back.  I'm glad I don't have to lie to her anymore.

My friends crack jokes about anorexic people all the time, and it pisses me off, but I can't say anything.  Most of them didn't even know about the cutting until I stopped that, too.  I stopped everything (cutting, ED, some other things I don't feel comfortable posting) last spring, and did it all on my own because I didn't want anybody to know.

 I even quit LJ so I wouldn't have access to the Ana communities, and stayed off of any sites with pro-ana members that I knew.  The downside is, since I did it all alone, I can't go to any of my friends or my parents when I need to vent.  Or, if I do, they go into shocked panic mode and freak out on me.  Even my best friend doesn't know some of the 'darker' things about me.

I don't know what to do in real life.  I can't talk to anybody about this sort of stuff.  Online communities were great before, so I'm just thinking it'll all work itself out if I just have a few people I can talk to, if only online.

Well - We all have personalities outside of this.  I like to write (no shit xD), I'm a pretty quiet person, and I love my friends no matter how dumb they are sometimes.  I'm in my school's psychology club, book club, and I'm still in Girl Scouts even though I'm a sophomore in high school.  I used to love sports, but right now I'm phobic of even running.  Hopefully, that'll change since I've had knee surgery to fix it.  I'm really into art and psychology.  I always say I want to be a psychologist.  I went to the School of the Arts in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, for their summer program and I hope I can go back sometime soon.  It's kind of dorky but I don't want to be a psychologist as much as I want to be a middle school teacher.  I had a lot of crap teachers, but the good teachers made a huge impact on my life and I want to do that.
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